A fresh start

As you may have guessed, I'm not really sure what I want from this blog anymore.

I've decided to start fresh and if you are interested feel free to click over here. I would like to make my new blog more of a lifestyle type and I just figured it might be easiest to start over with a new space.

Oh, and I'm expecting number three in May. A boy. It was definitely a shocker for us and I'm a bit scared as I feel like I had girls figured out. We are so excited.

A push-up update

Just a quick post to check in on my progress with the 100 push-up program.

I have finally completed the first two weeks of the program. I repeated a ton of days until I felt comfortable doing them. After finishing the first two weeks it is time to do another test to see where you are at. This time I managed to do eleven push-ups. That is a huge improvement from the two I was able to complete initially, so I am happy with the program and my progress.

I fell short of the sixteen I needed to move on to week three, but I am starting at day one, but with the initial test score of eleven, which already includes more push-ups than I was doing in track one. I am sure I will be able to do the minimum sixteen push-ups when I complete the next two weeks of the program (not necessarily in two weeks real time as I repeat lots of days).

I'm using the official app to track my progress and it works great. It automatically prompts me for the number of push-ups to do and counts down between reps.

twenty-seven dresses...

I don't know about you, but I am somewhat of a clothing hoarder. I outgrow clothing and then hold on to it because I plan to fit into it again.

This results in an over-packed closet full of clothing, with nothing to wear ever. When I last organized my closet at the beginning of my weight-loss after Laney, I found it so much easier to deal with everything. Actually moving out the too-small clothing made it more motivating for me to lose weight.

original closet

after organization

I went and added clothing to the closet as I grew smaller, but I left the bigger clothing in, knowing that I was soon planning on getting pregnant. That was a mistake. I should have gotten rid of the bigger stuff and planned on only maternity clothing for my pregnancy. Leaving the bigger items in my closet made it too easy to allow myself to gain weight throughout my pregnancy with Neve and embarrassingly, more after. I think I would have thought twice if I had to go out and purchase larger clothing instead of simply pulling it out of my closet.

So, I am cleaning out my closet again. And, this time I am getting rid of clothing as they become too big.

Which, brings me to the fun way I would like to document my weight loss. I have a gazillion formal dresses, fourteen if we are going to be exact. They represent high school, family and friends' weddings, college to the present time. So, in other words they start out small and gradually get bigger.

I thought a fun motivator for me would be for me to work my way backwards through these dresses and then let them go. Either altering them to fit me at a healthy weight, or getting them out of my house forever (except my wedding dress).

Here's the first dress on the chopping block. Stay tuned.

Back to basics

I can't believe that it was almost three years ago that I attempted to train for 100 push-ups.  That just shows how it is all well and good to have goals, but if you don't actually stick with them you end up  further down the road with nothing changed. Ok, that isn't to say that I made zero progress, because looking back, I couldn't do a single push-up. And I did get close to my weight goal before getting pregnant again.

But... I am pretty much back where I started. I am not giving up, however.

I may struggle, I may temporarily give up, but I will keep trying again,

I did the initial test this time and thankfully I managed two push-ups. I am now up to 22 push-ups in five reps. I totally recommend this program, you guys. It is amazing how quickly improvement takes place.

Coming up..

I've been looking at a few basic fitness tests so that I have a standard both to compare my progress with and to aspire to. I will show you which one I plan to use soon.

Undoing the anxiety also known as How to stop the panic attacks

After I wrote the last post coming out as a sufferer of panic attacks, I was not in a good place. I spent the next week with some of the worst panic attacks I have had to date. I felt for periods of time that I was constantly on the verge of another one.

Since then, I have not had any full-on panic attacks, just one minor attack that ended rather quickly.

How did they stop?

1. I let go and let God.

I confessed my feelings of always needing to control situations to God. I asked forgiveness and spent time reading the Bible and praying. I felt very strongly that God was telling me, "He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion." I felt peace. I knew that no matter how and no matter what, God is in control.

2. Give in to the panic

There was something about God's peace that told me that even if I should suffer more panic attacks that everything is well and that God is in control. It had given me the freedom to just let go when I feel an attack coming. I just say to the panic, "go ahead. Do your worst," and I pray. It is such a freeing feeling that the panic attacks have not fully panned out.

3. Get enough sleep

This one has been key for me. I noticed that nearly all of my panic attacks were occurring in the middle of the night, usually when I'd gone to bed too late.

I'm guessing that this issue isn't over for me. What is over is the terrifying fear that comes with with the panic attacks. God is in control and he offers peace to us that surpasses all understanding. I just have to accept it.

Liv is Back...Alright

What is the point of this blog anyways?

I wanted to use it as a tool to hold myself accountable to the changes I wanted to make in my life. Changes I still want to make, with added ones along the way.

Probably my highest weight

Right before I got pregnant with the 2nd baby I miscarried

Somewhere along the line, I started reading other blogs and I lost my own vision for this blog. Of course I should be sharing pictures of my children and documenting their lives, or so I thought. So, instead of using this space to challenge myself to change for the better, I started using it as a place to scrapbook Laney's activities. And then I kind of just stopped.

I want to capture memories of my children growing up, but lately, I have been plagued with questions about whether or not I want that information online. I have started the process of creating photo books to document their lives and I would like to claim this space for me. That is not to say that I will never share about them or put any photos up, but I would like to keep their stories mainly to themselves as I can't take back anything I put out there about them.

Also, I need this space for me. Everything about my life is so heavily entrenched in my children, even my own identity. And, I'm going crazy. Not because of them, but because I am not taking care of myself properly. I love my kids. Therefore, I need to be the best person I can be so that I can be the best mother to them.

So rather than publish another list showing all my crazy goals, I've decided to start slow.
I want to start by documenting my weight loss, so I plan to focus on that goal for awhile.

Here I go again.

P.S. I do plan do give an update soon on my anxiety and panic attacks.

Panic

I don't even know where to begin.

I am having panic attacks. Real ones.

I have to go back in time a little bit to explain.

I got pregnant again immediately after my miscarriage last fall. I was determined not to stress and to avoid worry during this pregnancy. I thought I was doing OK at it too.

I was almost ten weeks along and we were visiting friends in another town.

I started spotting. It was exactly how my previous two miscarriages had begun. I was devastated, but determined not to tell anyone and just to act normal. I was exhausted and went to bed with Laney on the floor in their extra room. I prayed and went to sleep.

I woke up in a panic. I couldn't breathe. The harder I tried the worse it got. I called out for Mike and he came running in. I told him to get an ambulance. Then I told him to wait. It is so hard to describe, but I thought I was dying. Mike and I drove to the hospital. The doctor thought I might have passed a blood clot. I was booked in for an ultrasound the next morning.

The ultrasound technologist offered to quickly see if we could spot the baby before checking my legs for clots. Seeing that little heart flicker was one of the best moments of my life. Everything was fine. I had a blood clot behind the placenta which didn't go on to cause any further problems with the pregnancy.

I didn't recognize that event for what it was at the time. I have probably had at least a dozen of those episodes, throughout my last pregnancy and up until now. I did go in to the hospital another time and the doctor told me that these are panic attacks. They come out of nowhere, often when I am not even feeling anxious. The last straw was one I had last week. I was visiting with my sister helping her with some stuff and BAM-out of the blue, I can't breathe.

Fear is the problem. I let it get a foothold in my life.

I am done with fear.

I will get through this.

I have to. These little ones need me.