Worry, fear, and joy

Mothers, does the worry ever end? Is there ever a point in your child's life when you can sit back and say, "pfew, now I can relax."

I'm guessing not.

After losing my first baby to miscarriage, I spent a lot of time during my second pregnancy willing the first trimester away. And, while I did feel some relief at twelve weeks, other worries soon crept in. Then, I couldn't wait until she was born because then she would be out here safely. I quickly found out that it is even harder having them on the outside. Out here, they can be separated from you. There are multitudes of things that can happen to children. SIDS was next on my worry list. And so on and so on. I have to end this cycle. I have been doing a lot better lately and I think that some of my issues (OK, maybe all) are due to me not fully trusting God and I need to. We can never make sure our babies are completely safe. Sure, we do what we can and avoid risks, but there are no guarantees.

Even though there are so many terrible things that can happen, we are not meant to live in fear. I heard this quote quite some time ago and I want to share it with you because it is true. If anyone knows what they are talking about in this department it would be Corrie Ten Boom.

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. -- Corrie Ten Boom

I would also add that it empties today of its joy. It is hard to be joyful when you live in worry and fear. My big step lately has been shutting off Laney's Angelcare monitor. I know that God will watch over her and I have to trust Him and not my monitor.

We're not all worry though. Like how I just changed the topic there? I'm not great at it, I know. Anyways, we have been playing outside as often as we can. Winter is just around the corner. With that can mean a fair amount of time couped up indoors and so we must make the most of autumn. And, getting outside often means a random ensemble of non-matching clothes. I won't try and blame Laney's outfit on Mike.

Do you live in a warmer climate? If so, do you sometimes wish for a proper winter. Those of you who have winter like we do, how are you preparing for it?

A very full week

I have this thing in which I don't like leaving Laney in others' care because I feel like no one will watch her as closely as I will. It's a pathetic control thing that I am having a hard time shaking. However, yesterday I wasn't watching closely enough. It happened partially because something threw me off my routine. Normally when I get Laney out of her crib after a nap, we walk down the hallway and I make sure the doors and the baby gate are closed. Yesterday Mike phoned right as I was taking her out of the crib. I ran down the hallway without closing the baby gate to answer in time. During the call I put Laney down, forgetting about the gate. A couch blocks my view so I can't see if the gate is open or closed from the living room. I can see Laney, but not the gate.

The next thing I knew, I heard a sickening thud. Then crying. I yelled and dropped the phone. I found Laney on the second to last step facing up. I grabbed her and she calmed down fairly quickly to my great relief (showing she wasn't injured). I examined her and she had a small bump on her head and her knee. I couldn't stop shaking. It actually took me hours to calm all the way down.

I almost wish I would have seen her fall, because maybe then I wouldn't have these imaginary reenactments going on in my head. You know all those detailed, slow-motion clips that play over and over? The list of possible what-ifs that accompany a near-miss? The overwhelming guilt. If only I had watched her closer, if I hadn't gotten distracted. But, maybe her fall would have looked worse than it actually was and it is better I didn't see it. She must have fallen pretty good to land the way she did and to only have a little bump or two.

In a way, it was a good reminder to me. No matter how closely I think I watch her, no matter how hard I try and control every little thing in her life, I am imperfect. I am flawed. I was reminded of this. I was also reminded that she does have someone who is perfect watching over her. That is cause for peace.

Besides me allowing my baby to hurt herself, we have had a lot of fun this past week. We've finally got the weather we hoped for all summer long. It has been a nice mix of beautifully coloured leaves and warm air. On one hand, I want to go running through sprinklers and on the other, I want to curl up in front of a fire, wearing my comfiest sweater, while cinnamon buns bake in the oven. Whatever season it currently is, it is beautiful and I have been trying to ensure that we make the most of it.

One reason why I am glad for this hot weather is the fact that I was finally able to catch this shot. All summer long I would glance back over my shoulder to see two pudgy little baby feet casually crossed. It always made me smile. When the cold weather came, I was disappointed to realize that I had not taken a single picture. I made sure to get a photo this week when we were able to get outside with no shoes or socks. Next year when we get to experience bare feet outside, there will be no baby feet to photograph. My baby is fast turning into a toddler.

This is our first autumn in our new town and I think our park looks delightful in this season.

Laney loves autumn too. She can't get enough of all the leaves on the ground. For every smiling picture I get of her, there are probably five of her trying to shove leaves into her mouth.

And oh how we love having cousins for Laney. Three girl cousins within three years of her to be exact (two of these within six months). We were blessed to have Isla out for a visit.

I wonder what she is thinking here. Thanks God for leaves to play with, I think.

I think it is bliss that I got my wish. Laney is a full-fledged walker and she was able to learn in barefeet on green grass.

Get out there and enjoy yourselves my friends.

Into the land of motherhood...

I had no idea how much my life was about to change when I gave birth. I mean of course I knew that life would be different, but I could not understand it completely until I lived it. That I was going to go from the scientific method (my career path) and studying epidemiology to practically memorizing the "No Cry Sleep Solution" was a bit of a shock to my system. It has been difficult adjusting to the realization that I am a mum and every time I talk to other parents it reinforces the fact that my life is never going to be the way it was a short six months ago. Not that I want it to be. I love my new life and I know that I am still the science nerd I was a short time ago. I am just going to have to learn how to keep my interests alive while investing in a new life.

I felt like I gained membership to an exclusive club when I became a mother. All of a sudden, mums everywhere would talk to me and even discuss parenting methods. I find that carrying a child suddenly makes strangers much more open to conversation. I have never had the gift of ‘social ease’ or whatever you want to call it and I have found it both frustrating and wonderful to have such a cute little icebreaker to help me meet people. I always wanted to be a social butterfly, but was painfully shy growing up and to this day I find it hard to converse with strangers. I do love how babies seem to bring joy to so many people. I find that even the surliest-looking cashiers can do a complete turnaround when faced with a little baby. I realise that not everyone likes babies, but I do find that Laney brings a smile to many strangers. And I like that.

I am a 27 year old brand new mother of Laney my six-month-old baby and wife to Mike. We recently moved to a new town and I feel like this new start for our family is the perfect opportunity for me to have a fresh start myself.


My goal for this blog is not to share every little detail about mothering, but to find a balance in my life between who I was, who I am, and who I will become. I cannot spend every moment discussing what I found in my baby’s diaper, nor can I be self-centered and try and live my life as it was before my daughter was born. I want to become the best wife, mother, friend, and science nerd I can be. I don’t think that I can have it all, but I do think I can strike some kind of balance.

Part of growing in this way is realizing that I have “let myself go” a little bit and that I need to take time to improve myself mentally, physically, and spiritually. In order to be my best I need to take some time for myself. I find it way to easy to put off laundry for one day. That one day soon becomes one week. I want to have a decently clean house so that I don't have to spend time obsessing about how I should be cleaning. I don't want to avoid inviting friends over because of the state of my house. I do not want to avoid swimming with my baby because of the fear of being seen in a swimsuit. It is time to do something about these things. It is time to take care of my house and to take care of me

You could maybe refer to this as my New Year’s Resolutions, but I am going to think of them as my New Me Resolutions. I would like to lose weight, learn some fashion sense, eat healthy, keep my house clean, and make new friends. All of these things will take my attentions somewhat off my baby girl, but in taking some time for myself I will improve her life and my husband’s life by providing them with a better mother and wife.

So if you made it this far, welcome and thanks for following my journey. I hope that you can see a transformation as I completely make myself over. Is there anything you’ve done to improve yourself lately?