Breathe

That is what I need to do. Mike and I had a heart-to-heart yesterday. I admitted to him that I am getting literally sick at the thought of going back to work. I can feel my body tensing up and it feels hard to breathe when I think about it. I just don't know how I'm going to be able to trust anyone outside of Mike or I to watch Laney. She can be a difficult child. She can be clingy. She can cry. I keep hearing horrible instances of children being beaten by their caregivers. And I am afraid of what someone who has no connection to Laney would do if she was being extremely fussy. I know that those experiences are rare, but what if the caregiver wasn't abusive, but just neglected her or was mean to her? I can't stop picturing Laney crying holding her arms up and the caregiver pushing her away or locking her in a room to cry alone.

I feel like I am failing her by going back to work. No one else loves her as much as I do. Shouldn't she experience the most love during her first years in this world? We have examined every shred of our budget. We have looked at what we can do without and what the bare minimum would be required for us to live. And I have to go back to work. I know I am extremely fortunate as I only have to go back to work two days a week. I know so many mothers choose or have to go back to work full-time and that is fine. But for me, I am panicking at the thought of even two days a week.

However, as uncomfortable as I am with the thought of someone else looking after Laney, the fact is that I have to go back. So I need to choose a caregiver as diligently as I can. Daycare or dayhome? Would you who have had to make these decisions give me some advice on how to find someone? Please?

And on a lighter note, how can I ever leave this face?